if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
