Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
