You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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