Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
