It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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