Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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