why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
