I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize