My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
