Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
