This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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