Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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