wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
