I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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