Your dad touched me again.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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