Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
