I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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