what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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