would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He felt like a one man threesome
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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