Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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