I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
