I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
