I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
