It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
