I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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