I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
