She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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