She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
