I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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