How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
