ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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