She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
