new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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