sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
