4 words: hood of his car
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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