just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
