She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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