Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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