he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
