I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
