last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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