Duck Duck Cougar?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
