so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
