I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
