im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
