Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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