omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
