Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
