the condom got lost in my hair
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
