NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize