The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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