i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
