so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
