His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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