Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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