My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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