Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
