Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
