i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize