he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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