Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
