tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my being single is dangerous.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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